loving my body and living my life
At work today a girl I’ve known for less than two weeks said “Every time I smell something delicious I think of you.”
I’ve been bringing in batches of cookies, muffins and treats when I can. I love food and I love to share food.
But I haven’t always had the healthy relationship I have with food now. There was a stage in my life where words like butter and sugar were fat and carbohydrates, not essentials in my kitchen.
This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness (NEDA) week and I want to talk about challenges I have faced with my own body and eating issues.
When I was sixteen I moved to Northern Ireland for a year. I was far away from my friends and most of my family and needed some kind of control. I became obsessive with what I thought was “healthy” and started to cut out more and more from my diet. My diet became low-fat, low-carbohydrate, and I became a bit of a low life.
When I first moved to Northern Ireland
As time went on my jeans started to sag, my bras became too big and the rings on my fingers became loose. I felt cold all of the time and my long blonde hair became thin and limp. I lived in a pair of track pants and stuck my hair back in a ponytail.
Near the end of the school year I had a few weeks off to study for exams. I went in one day to see a teacher and she looked at me and said “Please go home and have a big lunch.” I remember very clearly that I had planned on not eating until dinner.
Around this time I stopped getting my period. I calculated my BMI in a health and diet book and realized I was underweight. A sick voice inside of me was happy, but my eyes filled with tears.
Before flying home to Canada I spent the summer in France. Friends in the village I’d known for years seemed worried. A family friend who had come to visit told me straight forwardly “You look malnourished.”
I remember being confused. Hadn’t the magazines always told me that those last 10 pounds were what I wanted to lose? Wasn’t everyone trying to lose weight? Weren’t models admired for their thinness? How come I had achieved my goal of losing weight and my only prize was a malnourished body, no menstruation and little left of the beautiful sixteen year old I was supposed to be?
I learned something very important around that time. I learned how important it is to consider the real outcome and motive of a goal before pursuing it. I learned that empty goals like attaining the perfect body or the perfect wardrobe could never make me happy.
When I moved back to Canada I took my health in my own hands. I started eating a high protein diet and working out so that I could put on weight healthfully and still feel good in my body. I started socializing more, teaching myself how to cook, and remembering how fun life was before I became pre-occupied with starving myself of life’s pleasures.
Celebrating my 17th birthday with friends
My best friend saved me. I slept on her sofa, cried on her shoulder, danced on her kitchen floor, cooked on her stove top and wore half of her wardrobe. She reminded me what being a young woman is really about. We shared an appetite for good food and appetite for life.
My friend Shirin and I in Spain the summer after grad
I graduated from high school that year with a healthy body, the best grades of my life, an award in English literature and an acceptance letter to the university of my dreams.
The night of my grad
When I think of how many young women lose their dreams to eating disorders it breaks my heart. I would never have been able to accomplish what I have had I stayed focused on self deprivation.
Of course I still have moments of unease with my body. I am not immune to the pressures of society or the pressure I put upon myself. But I push through. I invite a close friend for dinner, confide in my boyfriend and remind myself that I want to be a positive role model for other young women.
Food plays a major, wonderful role in my life and these days I work very hard on sharing that pleasure with as many people as possible. It is nourishment, pleasure and something we all have in common.
These days I put love, health and real accomplishments before empty pursuits.
With my life in my own hands, I might as well make it as delicious as possible.
Eating spicy diva popcorn in Paris
February 27th, 2010 at 1:36 am
I’m so pleased that you realised the important things in life, and in that managed to become healthy and happy. We can all learn from this, you’re an inspiration
Today marks my three year anniversary of recovery - and I’m celebrating with lots of yummy goodness!
xxx
February 27th, 2010 at 3:08 am
Beautiful post …i’m so glad that you came out of the negative and into the positive. You are a gorgeous woman with a story to tell and wonderful food to share.. I think many could learn from you
February 27th, 2010 at 3:14 am
What a beautifully written, inspiring post. A lot of times when I see beautifully dressed, thin, seemingly confident French women, I feel down on myself but I also wonder how many of these women are actually healthy and happy and not trying to achieve unrealistic weight and image goals. I believe all women struggle with weight issues at some point in our lives, and that we will all have ups and downs, but I think you are doing a great job defining who you are, little by little, and enjoying the life you have. You are an inspiration
February 27th, 2010 at 6:58 am
Beautiful post Gillian! You ARE such an inspiration to young women. So full of life, so intelligent and to top it all of absolutely beautiful. It’s so inspiring to follow you striving for your dreams, and I have no doubt you are going to be one successful girl
xoxo
February 27th, 2010 at 7:18 am
[...] honour of the end of NEDA awareness week, I have decided to follow in the footsteps of the likes of Gillian, Kailey, and Gena, and express my own experiences with disordered eating, and how it has affected [...]
February 27th, 2010 at 8:18 am
I just have to say AMEN!!! I am so happy that you have regained yourself and with that.. so much more. I just recently posted about this topic as well
XO
February 27th, 2010 at 8:35 am
My heart is constantly smiling at you and your journey!
Big hugs
Mary
February 27th, 2010 at 9:53 am
Hooray, what a great, positive post! These are the kind of messages that women of all ages need to hear. More self-empowerment, love, and compassion and less guilt and disordered thinking about food that is meant to nourish and provide joy! And those cookies look delicious
February 27th, 2010 at 1:56 pm
Gillian, I absolutely adore your blog. You have a wonderful and healthy outlook on life which I find incredibly inspirational. Thank you for posting this with honesty, and I am very much looking forward to that book on Paris that you will be writing.
February 27th, 2010 at 4:19 pm
Thankyou for this post Gillian, it’s so honest and so brave of you (I know how hard it is to even acknowledge these dark times). Hearing about what you have been through makes me feel not so alien. You have such a beautiful soul, and I definitely see you as a wonderful role model for young women.
February 27th, 2010 at 7:04 pm
From the healthy attitude you have now, I never would have imagined that you once struggled with eating. It’s so inspiring to see a young girl come back from something like that. Thanks for sharing your story.
February 27th, 2010 at 7:25 pm
Hi Gillian
My very best friend, Lindsay, of Legal Style, directed me to this blog post today and I’m so happy she did. I, too, suffered with an ED for several years in college and now I’ve dedicated my life to helping other women discover their true passions outside of their ED. I’m so happy to hear that you found your passion in good food–what an awesome way to turn that passion and intensity into something healthy and wonderful. I will definitely continue following your story and, if you’d be interested, I could certainly use your input in starting my company!
-Melissa
February 28th, 2010 at 10:28 am
Wow, this takes guts. I’m so proud of you.
Love you,
xo
February 28th, 2010 at 12:37 pm
thank you. this is kinda just what i needed… i’v dealt with these issues for the past two years of my life, and am finally getting healthy again. it’s so hard though– one part of me realizes that I need to stay healthy, the other part is still fighting with me. Thanks for sharing your experience, feel a bit better today
March 1st, 2010 at 4:17 am
Gilliam, i have been following your blog for sometime after returning from a wonderful trip to france from australia a few years ago. i laugh, cry and reflect on my own life whilst reading your blog. don’t every stop writing. this post has touched me also on a personal level and i have re-read and re-read it. Thankyou
March 1st, 2010 at 7:37 am
Hi,
I have given you a Beautiful Blogger Award! Yay! See it here and then pass it to others…
http://sweetestthingdc.wordpress.com/2010/03/01/beautiful-blogger-award/
Have fun! <3
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:42 pm
Keep staying honest; keep staying true. It is your voice. Thank you. hugs, diane