At work today a girl I’ve known for less than two weeks said “Every time I smell something delicious I think of you.”

I’ve been bringing in batches of cookies, muffins and treats when I can.  I love food and I love to share food.

But I haven’t always had the healthy relationship I have with food now.  There was a stage in my life where words like butter and sugar were  fat and carbohydrates, not essentials in my kitchen.

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness (NEDA) week and I want to talk about challenges I have faced with my own body and eating issues.

When I was sixteen I moved to Northern Ireland for a year.  I was far away from my friends and most of my family and needed some kind of control.  I became obsessive with what I thought was “healthy” and started to cut out more and more from my diet.  My diet became low-fat, low-carbohydrate, and I became a bit of a low life.

When I first moved to Northern Ireland

As time went on my jeans started to sag, my bras became too big and the rings on my fingers became loose.  I felt cold all of the time and my long blonde hair became thin and limp.  I lived in a pair of track pants and stuck my hair back in a ponytail.

Near the end of the school year I had a few weeks off to study for exams. I went in one day to see a teacher and she looked at me and said “Please go home and have a big lunch.” I remember very clearly that I had planned on not eating until dinner.

Around this time I stopped getting my period.  I calculated my BMI in a health and diet book and realized I was underweight.  A sick voice inside of me was happy, but my eyes filled with tears.

Before flying home to Canada I spent the summer in France.  Friends in the village I’d known for years seemed worried.  A family friend who had come to visit told me straight forwardly “You look malnourished.”

I remember being confused.  Hadn’t the magazines always told me that those last 10 pounds were what I wanted to lose?  Wasn’t everyone trying to lose weight?  Weren’t models admired for their thinness?  How come I had achieved my goal of losing weight and my only prize was a malnourished body, no menstruation and little left of the beautiful sixteen year old I was supposed to be?

I learned something very important around that time.  I learned how important it is to consider the real outcome and motive of a goal before pursuing it. I learned that empty goals like attaining the perfect body or the perfect wardrobe could never make me happy.

When I moved back to Canada I took my health in my own hands.  I started eating a high protein diet and working out so that I could put on weight healthfully and still feel good in my body.  I started socializing more, teaching myself how to cook, and remembering how fun life was before I became pre-occupied with starving myself of life’s pleasures.

Celebrating my 17th birthday with friends

My best friend saved me.  I slept on her sofa, cried on her shoulder, danced on her kitchen floor, cooked on her stove top and wore half of her wardrobe.  She reminded me what being a young woman is really about.  We shared an appetite for good food and appetite for life.

My friend Shirin and I in Spain the summer after grad

I graduated from high school that year with a healthy body, the best grades of my life, an award in English literature and an acceptance letter to the university of my dreams.

The night of my grad

When I think of how many young women lose their dreams to eating disorders it breaks my heart.  I would never have been able to accomplish what I have had I stayed focused on self deprivation.

Of course I still have moments of unease with my body.  I am not immune to the pressures of society or the pressure I put upon myself.  But I push through.  I invite a close friend for dinner, confide in my boyfriend and remind myself that I want to be a positive role model for other young women.

Food plays a major, wonderful role in my life and these days I work very hard on sharing that pleasure with as many people as possible.  It is nourishment, pleasure and something we all have in common.

These days I put love, health and real accomplishments before empty pursuits.

With my life in my own hands, I might as well make it as delicious as possible.

Eating spicy diva popcorn in Paris