Caught in the Middle
I have never liked being stuck in the middle. I am a sucker for the all or nothing. The head over heels in love or rock bottom loneliness. The euphoric happiness or heart breaking sadness.
I tend to apply this to most things in my life. When I commit to something I am all or nothing. If I start a job I finish it. If someone doesn't make me feel alive I don't waste my time with them.
In some ways this has served me really well. It's helped me to accomplish a lot, to see things through, to keep a small number of really good friends, and to experience true love with another person.
But I need to adjust to the in between. I think sometimes I am so eager for what is next that I waste what is right now. Right now I am hungry for happiness, love, and above all to feel like myself. I can't wait to feel good in my own skin again. For the feel good glow to come back into my face. For my body to feel strong and alive. To want to get out of bed.
I live for the times in life when I can feel myself thriving. I'm not there right now. I still feel and look tired. The spark in my eyes has been replaced with stress and sadness and I'm learning to accept that it won't be forever. I am in limbo and that's fine.
I'm not going to waste right now. Right now is when I grow. When I become comfortable with being uncomfortable. When I take chances. When I let my skin grow a little thicker. When I accept that things won't always be good and that that is fine too.
So I'm learning to be loving. To let go. To have fun. To drag our friends out after midnight with jars full of wine to listen to jazz music off of my phone by the statue of the Virgin Mary. Because life is short. The stars out here shine brightly. Love and good nights with friends make all the crap in the world worth it.
How do you get comfortable in this in between space? You ease into it. You let it be exciting. You live the quiet moments and breathe them in just as deeply as the ones you're really craving. Right here, right now, awkwardly in the middle, is where you need to be.