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Start Living Now

Sometimes I am terrified of living the life that I want. Since I was young I have held back from doing things that I want to do out of fear.

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It's why I still can't drive or ride a bike.

While in some ways I have been very brave, like moving to Ireland at 16, moving to Paris after a year of university, daring to write a book and finding the strength to let go of relationships that no longer serve me, I have a long way to go.  This is hard to write and hard to admit to myself.

I can't count the number of opportunities, even if they are as simple as invites to a concert or a party, that I have turned down out of fear.  Fear of not fitting in, looking good enough, not being liked, or wanting to leave too soon.

I have also wasted a lot of precious time doing things that do not make me happy.

For example, in my late teens and early twenties I would spend a lot of time in stores.  I didn't buy a lot, but I was always in malls, clothing stores or grocery stores looking at things to buy.  And the truth is I hate shopping.  I love beautiful things but I am much happier out in nature, going to a museum or a gallery or spending time with someone I care about.

When my last relationship first started my partner brought out the best in me.  He was adventurous and inspired me to do more of what I actually loved.  We went hiking, visited markets, went to galleries, checked out new restaurants and were often spontaneous in our outings.  While this faded a little over time I'll never forget how good it made me feel.

It reminded me of the life I should be living.  Of the life I live when I am happiest and most in tune with myself.  It is the kind of life I am trying to rebuild for myself now.

I have made a big change and leap in my life but now I'm working on the little things.  I'm spending more time outside.  I'm saying yes more.  The other night I danced by myself under the stars.

I don't want to waste any more of my life buried in fear or missing out on opportunities.  The beauty I crave is out there, even within myself, and waiting to be explored.

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