I made it through the week. I didn't break down like I thought I would. One night I lost it and cried until I was empty. After pushing away my best friend I finally explained that I just needed to release it and be loved. She curled up with me in bed and let me get it out. Love won.
This time last year her relationship ended and mine was sealed with a marriage built on an unstable ground. Both experiences and the struggles that followed have brought us closer together.
I didn't want to get upset because we've had enough of that. I didn't want her to hurt anymore or spoil our fun. But as I explained through choked tears I also want to be genuine with those I love. Hiding things behind the surface has never served me.
I'm being patient with myself. Taking time to find my feet on the ground even though I keep moving from place to place.
A month ago I was on a mission to decide where I would live. In Berlin I felt at home and thought "This is it." But as my time came to an end I kept thinking about Paris. I love them both for different reasons and I have no reason to choose one or the other right now. I'm going to stop worrying about where I'm going and start enjoying where I am.
I'm back in our sleepy village now. Happy to sit still, finish my book, work through the ideas and inspirations that have hit me over the past couple of months.
Meanwhile the seasons are changing and I'm accepting that me and my life are changing too.