"Inchallah qui vivra vera". If god wishes. Those who live will see.
My Algerian friend at the market makes me repeat this. "Inchallah" has become one of my favourite expressions that I've carried with me from my Turkish family. I don't think of it in the religious context, but in terms of allowing the universe to do it's work. Whatever is meant to happen will.
My friend shows me pictures of his six month old baby. He and his wife are in their forties. They always wanted a child, but after she had some health issues in her early forties they thought it would be impossible. One day while on vacation in Spain she started to have stomach problems. He thought the health problems were back, but alas, she was pregnant. Neither of them could be happier or more grateful. He tells me that they cried when they got home from the hospital, it was such a miracle.
"I only wish this kind of miracle for you," he says in French. "Oui, inchallah". I answer. And he tells me that as long as it's with the right person and because I want it.
Nine months ago we had a similar conversation at the Christmas market as I was holding back tears. I had realized then that my relationship wasn't meant to be and tried to smile as he and everyone congratulated me on my marriage, some hinting at kids in my future.
So much has happened since then. The relationship ended. Part of me thinks that maybe it was the first time we really loved each other. We loved each other enough to let go. It was better for both of us.
I hit a lot of lows at the beginning of the year but also got out and lived my life the way I wanted to. I dropped all plans, all ideas of what I should be doing, and trusted my gut. This led me different cities, to a working at a yoga retreat in the middle of nowhere, to leading excursions around Paris, to new friends and opportunities.
Just recently I started to feel a need to settle down for a moment. I applied for jobs in Paris and Berlin, and just heard back that I will be working at a Startup in Berlin for 3-6 months to longer. I'm elated. It feels meant to be. The work is creative, science related, and will tech me new skills. The office is young and international. I'll be near my brother and one of my dearest friends.
You can worry about everything. You can worry about what people think, about what will happen tomorrow and where you're supposed to be. But then the moment is lost. I want to keep trusting this process, trusting and challenging myself, and seeing where it takes me. I see a lot of great things in my future. Inchallah.