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Don't Skip This Chapter

It is tempting to skip over the hard stuff. tumblr_m3feluXCSp1qcjvs5o1_1280

I would like to tell the world I am fine.  Sometimes I don't want to share these feelings because I know there are worse things in the world and I know it will get better.

Even when I am falling in love this city, when I know this is where I should be, there are moments when I wonder what the hell I am doing.  When my system shut down on Friday I lay in this bed, in a borrowed rented room, in an apartment with strangers, I didn't want to be here anymore.  The worst part is not having a place I'd rather be.  For a long time now I haven't had a home or anyone to long for.  I can't pretend that one place or person will make it better.

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I've been making the world my home.  Strangers my friends.  Finding love in all of my relationships.  For the most part this is more than enough but I'd be lying if I said sometimes I didn't want something concrete.  I miss that feeling.

I was talking with a friend and I said maybe being lost and lonely is where I'm supposed to be.  At least it is inspiring.  I know it will help me grow.  It might even help my writing.  I joked, "Hemmingway didn't write great novels about coming home and cooking for his wife, now did he?"

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I'll get through this.  I feel like I'm at the start of something.  I feel like my career is going to take off as I learn to be creative again.  That I'll find my truest love once I am settled in my own skin.  Like one day I'll even have something that feels like home.  For now I'll write this awkward chapter in between.