This is the year that I let go of everything and my life was given back to me. I sit in the stillness of the South of France and am flooded with gratitude. How did I get here? How did this messy year end with so much love and happiness? How do I feel so lost and yet so grounded at the same time?
The sun rises in the morning and floods over my white sheets and lights my golden hair a bright shade while I wipe the sleep from my eyes. I wake only for the desire of a big coffee topped with French milk whipped into a perfectly rich foam.
The days are rich. We walk. We talk. We feast. We drink. I sleep heavily and wake up with small hangovers but they are always worth it.
This time last year I sobbed. I struggled to keep my life in order with the right diet and exercise and keep a perfect exterior. When I went to our town's Christmas party a friend sang a beautiful rendition of Radiohead's Creep and I sobbed.
But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts I want to have control I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul
I wanted it all to be perfect. I wanted to be perfect. But at the root of things I had a marriage that wasn't working and a heart that was slowly breaking. Things needed to change.
This year I'm anything but, but I'm happy. My mind is so much more at ease. I have no desire to cry. I am comfortable in my own skin and care much more about how I'll fund my next adventure than what standard I am living up to.
Truth be told, I'm a little sick of talking about the past. It's a part of me and a part of my story but from now on I'm looking forward. I'm ready for happiness and love and already find these things seeping into my life in unexpected ways.
Are you happy? I hope you are. And if you're not I hope you find the strength to change it.