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This Year's Love

This is the year that I let go of everything and my life was given back to me. I sit in the stillness of the South of France and am flooded with gratitude.  How did I get here?  How did this messy year end with so much love and happiness?  How do I feel so lost and yet so grounded at the same time?

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The sun rises in the morning and floods over my white sheets and lights my golden hair a bright shade while I wipe the sleep from my eyes.  I wake only for the desire of a big coffee topped with French milk whipped into a perfectly rich foam.

The days are rich.  We walk.  We talk.  We feast.  We drink.  I sleep heavily and wake up with small hangovers but they are always worth it.

This time last year I sobbed.  I struggled to keep my life in order with the right diet and exercise and keep a perfect exterior.  When I went to our town's Christmas party a friend sang a beautiful rendition of Radiohead's Creep and I sobbed.

But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts I want to have control I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul

I wanted it all to be perfect.  I wanted to be perfect.  But at the root of things I had a marriage that wasn't working and a heart that was slowly breaking.  Things needed to change.

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This year I'm anything but, but I'm happy.  My mind is so much more at ease.  I have no desire to cry.  I am comfortable in my own skin and care much more about how I'll fund my next adventure than what standard I am living up to.

Truth be told, I'm a little sick of talking about the past.  It's a part of me and a part of my story but from now on I'm looking forward.  I'm ready for happiness and love and already find these things seeping into my life in unexpected ways.

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Are you happy?  I hope you are.  And if you're not I hope you find the strength to change it.

GeneralGillian Young