And Now I'll Do What's Best for Me
Somewhere in all of it I have started to lose myself. You can only chase the highs so long before you hit the inevitable low, where you are reminded that you are still alone with your thoughts and parts of you are still broken. The chaos won't fix them.
You can only be drunk for so long before you wake up with the pounding hangover that reminds you that yes you are alive, but you are also capable of feeling like you are dying. And you start wanting to remember the parts of the night that are a blur. You want to have been there.
It's not another's love that will fix you. You are complicating things. You have to go inside and deal with the wounds before they become infected. Take care of yourself because no one else can patch you up the way you need.
Bleed out the tears and make peace with all the years before now. Make yourself eat things that will nourish your body and feed your mind things that will nourish your soul. Go outside.
Love yourself. Love yourself first. But really. And be patient. And kind. And do that again tomorrow and again when you fuck up. You will heal and blossom and feel like yourself again. It's nobody's business but yours.
It won't be easy, but one morning you'll wake up with your own head on your pillow and you'll be grateful. For every strand of hair, the first yawn, the feel of your own skin. And you'll realize you're good and you are you again.