After a long dark winter I slowly feel my body waking up, craving more fresh air, more lightness, more life.
Last night I lay in bed and digested some hard to swallow feelings and had a deep uncomfortable cry. God, I couldn't cry for so long. When I first decided to get divorced he sat in front of me at a cafe weeping and I stared back at him with blank eyes.
I'm still working through the past year in my head. There has been so much adventure. So many stories I don't even know how to write. How do you capture days that run over with new experiences that make your heart spill over? How do you put into words the darker nights that leave you terrified of how alone you are?
And with the sun crawling over Vancouver, the city where I was born and raised, I'm flooded with the better memories of my youth. Also memories of him and I. I realize that as much as I like to brush it over I did love him and the good was so good it lit my life up. But it got dark and now it's up to me to bring the light back in.
It's happening. I'm taking care of myself. I'm doing work I love, working fifteen hour days with creative people who value me. No matter how tired I am filled with energy and gratitude.
I'm going to keep letting the light in. Keep working towards rebuilding my life and loving myself and seeing how far I've come. The past hurts but my story has made me so much stronger. Sometimes I feel like I've been to hell and back but that I brought back a pocket full of fire.
I'm going to use it to make the days ahead blindingly bright.