How to Unbreak Your Heart

Someone I love is going through a heartbreak right now.  She is amazing.  He fucked up.  And now she is left to pick up the pieces.


Heartbreak sucks.  You feel empty and alone and no matter how it ends your ego cries "Why wasn't I good enough?  Why didn't it work?  What is wrong with me?"

There's nothing wrong with you.  Love is complicated.  People are complicated.  They will walk into your life, grab you by your heart, and they won't always stay.  Those who are meant to will.

When I ended my marriage it took a good year or more to get over it.  Okay, let's be honest, the wounds are still healing.  But it's been one hell of a journey.  I can finally step back and see that I'm good.  In many ways I'm happier and more confident than I have ever been.


The following helped me. If your heart is broken (or even just a little bruised) I hope this will help.

I mean it. As much as possible.  In my darkest days in bed I would look up funny videos, fall in love with Fred Armisen (no one makes me laugh more) and spend hours watching stand-up comedy.  I laughed at the stuff that hurt.  I went from being a girl who cried a lot to the girl that still can't stop laughing when the room is silent.  I'm good with that.


You might not want to.  Bed feels better.  Sweatpants feel better.  But sometimes you have to put on your best dress and go get drunk on Champagne.  I did this countless time in the worst days of winter with my best friend.  We would drag our broke bodies out on the town, go all out, and wake up in a fit of giggles about how ridiculous we were.  They are still some of my best memories ever.


Going out is important but it's also good to be alone again.  Meditate.  Sleep.  Drink tea in bed.  Read books in bed.  Spend days in bed if it's what you need.  Take long baths.  Write in your journal.  Deal with your shit.  Don't shove your feelings under the carpet.  Look them in the face, accept them, take a deep breath and move on.




I remember nearly putting off a trip to LA because I was too heartbroken, broken in every way, and had lost my passport.  My friends encouraged me to go.  I found a way to make it work.  It was the happiest I had felt in months.  The moment the plane took off I felt better.  The moment I walked on a beach and felt sun on my tired body I knew I would be okay.


Some people will know how to be there for you and others won't.  It's not their fault.  Call your friends.  Ask someone to listen.  Ask someone to tell you that you're beautiful.  Then hug.  A lot.  Bring your friends and family closer than ever before.  You'll realize you already have more love than you know what to do with.




Get excited about the future.  Accept that you probably haven't experienced the best of your life yet.  There is so much to come.  There are people to meet, and love, and adventures to be had.  The future is exciting.  Make plans and put those plans into action.


Take yourself out on dates.  Remember what you like to do alone.  Go sit in a jazz bar with your favourite glass of wine.  Go for hikes and get lost in the woods.  Go to the movies and see that stupid movie no one else needs to know you wanted to see.


Forgive yourself, forgive the other person, release.  Do it again.  And again.  And again.




I clearly remember one morning.  I was in a hotel room in London, and I was supposed to go out to meet a friend.  I had the same feeling I'd had over and over again: a dread of going out, of looking in the mirror, of facing the day.  It was as if my life had fallen apart and all of my deepest insecurities were brought back to the surface.  So as I got ready I repeated "I love myself, I love myself, I love myself.."  I wiped away a few tears.  Put on my makeup.  Smiled.  Some days are going to be really hard.  Love yourself.  Love yourself first.  Then keep going.


The final step.  Don't be afraid to let someone else trespass on your heart.  Love again.  (I'm learning)


On How To Feel Better from Joshua Kang on Vimeo.