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Goodbye, Year

"What lies behind us, and what lies before us, are tiny compared to what lies within us." | Ralph Waldo Emerson And what a year it has been.

Last new year's eve I told a room of people that I planned to play the fool for a year.

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At the crack of dawn I slipped out of a young man's bed, to his disappointment, and into the cold morning air of our small French village.  It was still too soon for love and romance.  I needed freedom and experience.

The year that followed was rich in both.  It was full of adventure, new friends, plane tickets around the world and jobs that took me there.  I faced fears, got excited about life, and learned to like myself again.

Twelve months later I am back in his arms, and this time I linger in bed a little longer.  I am now stable enough to look into his eyes and say "I love you too."  My heart has healed enough to hunger for shared freedom and experience.  I trust him.  I love him.  I'm excited for whatever the future brings.

I hunger for a quietness now.  A time to go within myself and listen to what I really need.  I want to build strong foundations.  I want to find balance in all that I do - the way I live, eat, spend, find pleasure.  I want to feel the healthiest I've ever felt.  I want the responsibility that comes with that.

There are new dreams to chase, and I am going to do so with care and patience.  There are old fears I wish to face, and I am going to do so with an open heart and mind.

Yes, I am scared.  Just like I'm sure you are - with a new year stretching ahead of you - opening up it's arms and saying "What will you do with me now?"  Yes I also have a voice inside me that says "What if you fail?"  "Who do you think you are?"  "What if life flips you on your head and refuses to help you up?"

But if there's anything I learned from playing the fool, it's that life is unpredictable.  You choose whether or not you allow it to shake you up.  Will you let it break you or make you stronger?

I only see one option now.