I have not written much lately. When my days are full and social I find it hard to find clarity in my head, let alone words.
This year has been busy with trips back and forth with my long distance love. With work, time with friends, and personal projects. Overall I am happy.
But I definitely need this month to slow down, take some time to myself, save some money and plan the months ahead.
I still struggle with where I'm at in my life. I didn't expect myself to be struggling with finances and career choices at 28. I didn't think I'd still be struggling with sleep and health issues.
Last night, after a big dinner out, I woke up in the middle of the night and ate a huge amount of almond butter from the jar. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but it reminded me of my years struggling with an eating disorder. It felt like a step backwards after deciding that I was going to take charge of my health this month after so much vacation time.
As I often did in the past, I woke up feeling depressed and defeated. Now what?
So I gave myself permission to start over. I carefully made a loving, healthy breakfast for myself. The kind of breakfast I would normally only make for another person that I loved. I gave myself permission to love myself.
And I'm thinking it's time to do that with the rest of my life. It has been a long journey to get to where I am. And even though I'm not at the top of my career, or financial freedom, or inspiring people in the way I'd like to, I am proud of myself. I gave myself permission to start over two years ago. I gave myself permission to become a student of life, to seek new experiences and get to know myself again. I have friends all around the world who inspire me. I now have a partner who loves me without ego, and who gives me no reason to be afraid.
I know who I am. And it's not a career or a fancy apartment. It's not the title on my LinkedIn page, the numbers in my bank account or the size of my jeans. It's the size of my heart, my willingness to grow and change, and the attitude I choose to have.
I will figure out the rest.
In the meantime, I give myself permission to start over.