Because in a way, a couple of years ago, I walked away from what I had thought was love. So much so that I signed it on paper, made it official, declaring I wanted to spend my life with one person.
But when I walked away I decided to love myself. To acknowledge that things weren't right and that it was worth finding the courage to admit I was wrong. To start life over. As one.
And when I was picking up my pieces and staying with my family in France, a friend asked "Do you think you'll ever love again?" "Of course," I answered, without hesitation. "But how do you know? How can you believe that?" she asked.
I knew because love is what I live for. Because, like everyone else, I knew I deserved a love that was good. I knew in my heart of hearts I wanted someone kind, compassionate, and one day, a big messy family.
And I knew the moment I met my now beau, that I'd found something special. And even though it took a lot of time, effort, and heartache on his part, he finally got me to a place where I was able to love again. Part of me wonders how I got so lucky, part of me believes that after so much darkness I had earned all of his light.
These days I feel stagnant. As someone who thrives on a dream and a plan I wonder, where do I go next? And I can't ask this question without considering him. It makes it harder. I want to be close by, and I need to consider our future, not just my own.
I am thinking a lot about how I want to live out the rest of my life. How will I make a living? Do I want to go back to working long hours in television? Do I want to pursue my own business? See what else is for me in the beauty industry?
Let's pause for a moment and analyze all of the jobs I've done in my life so far: salesperson, nanny, server, hostess, bartender, owner of an underground restaurant, writer, travel writer, script writer, casting, labourer, excursion coordinator for a summer program in Paris, cooking instructor, caterer, associate producer, researcher, food truck cook, story producer, skin care advisor, and more.
When people ask me what I do... I pause.
Life is an education and I find it difficult to tie myself to one identity, one career, one industry. I am not so simple. Life is not so simple. I envy those who dedicate themselves to one craft and one idea... but I don't know if I can.
I can imagine myself identifying as writer, but my writing does not feel worthy. But if I can finish my Paris book, continue my travel writing, and seek to do more, see more, be better.. who knows?
These days I am also toying with the idea to going to school to become a certified makeup artist. I hesitate to write this because it's such a new idea. But it fits all of my needs to be creative, freelance in television, do events, and most importantly help others. Nothing makes me happier at my job than doing women's make up and helping them see how beautiful they are.
Dear reader - if you have lasted this long - thank your for hearing me out. Like my list of jobs, sometimes it's difficult for me to stick to one theme or thought. I'm learning to love this and all of my idiosyncrasies.
But above all, what I'm sure of is yes, I do believe in love. I did trade it all for love. And I will continue to. For now I will continue to learn self-love and to discover what it is that makes my heart beat.