I was grieving even before I was grieving. There's something about Fall. Old parts die off to make room for the new. It never feels good in the process but when you come out the other side you feel shiny and new.
For the past few weeks I've been going through uncomfortable emotions. Trying to see my worth, where my life is going, and making peace with the past.
I went to my first big wedding last week. I've been avoiding them for about two years because I knew my heart couldn't handle it after bursting into tears during my cousin's first dance in Ireland.
But I went with my beau, who was in town for a leisurely week and a half, and it was deeply therapeutic. It was a true love wedding. With a great bride and groom, a barbecue feast, and an epic playlist that had me dancing all night long even when the dance floor was empty.
The next evening I found out about my grandpa's passing and it's been a slew of different emotions ever since.
But I feel the air starting to change. I am learning through all of this to trust myself and see my worth. I can't help but feel that he is watching out for me now, and suddenly it feels easier to find the words I'm looking for and the confidence I need.
I am thankful. For this life of love and loss, and the fact that they seem to balance out at times.
In other good news, I was published today, and I wrote some words on my walk home:
I think we are like trees in the fall. Things start to shed And fall to the ground, And sometimes we are left Bare and cold. But with this we also grow More colourful. We make room for new leaves And are forced To grow stronger branches. Maybe you need to make room for love, For yourself Or for another. To drop your baggage And take off the layers, To open the door And declare "Honey...I'm home." And so I ask you To let yourself be tired; To rest without guilt. Build up your energy For sunnier days And strangers worth sparing smiles for. Save your pennies For Champagne, And friends worth sparing Clear headed mornings for. Enjoy this intermission. I promise Act 2 Is full of new love and surprises, That the questionning You feel now Is not your demise, There are skies More beautiful than you've seen yet.