Teach me how to grieve. Teach me how to say goodbye to someone I really never had a hold of. Someone who lit up a room, warmed hearts, and gave security to insecurities.
Teach me to say goodbye to the past. To stop mourning old memories and make peace with the dark ones.
This past while has been heart breaking, moving and healing.
I lost an old friend I hadn't seen in years. Someone too good and too young to really say goodbye to. I didn't even accept it until I sat at his service, and suddenly it was real. Emotion flooded through me like an earthquake. My lips trembled. My eyes emptied themselves. Even then, it felt more like a movie than reality.
I held a girlfriend that saw me through my darker days in Berlin, and unfortunately had to put up with more of my grief than she should have. I am still trying to figure out how to fix the cracks in our relationship that I created.
Meanwhile my little home fills with love. My friend, now alone, has come to live with me and together we are loving her life back together again. All of my pain and past seem worth it as we talk through the process of rebuilding. It is so good and so scary when your life is suddenly yours again.
And while I might sound sad, and I always will be for the loss of my friend, I am also finding happiness. I am finding my worth through work, seeing my skills come into play, and I continue to find endless light and love in California. I am making sense of my past and getting increasingly excited about my future.
To top it off I set my baby free. You can now find my Paris guide book here. It is so tender to me that I softly launched it into the world. I hope those who read it will find something in it for themselves.
I am excited to end this year and start a new one. I hope if nothing else to be a little more graceful, tender and wise. I am learning to grieve, and learning to move forward with purpose.