I had a nightmare last night.
Old traumas and fears crawled up my throat and tried to strangle me. I had a panic attack in public, tears running down my face, fearing for my life. It soon calmed down but I spent the rest of the dream in dis-ease.
It’s been a weird week. I realized how much my desire to compete again was rooted in ego and fear. I realized it’s been a long time since I simply let myself be - not hustling for the next big goal, pushing to my max.
I’ve been trying to exercise just being. And in this I’ve found some very tender spots. I’ve realized parts of my health that I’ve neglected. I’ve seen where balance lacks. I’ve noticed how much I get in my head and how that takes away from grace.
I’m so ready to live in grace. I’m so over thinking I need to suffer.
Since my teens I accepted suffering as a part of my existence. Depression. Anorexia. Social anxiety. Living in new places and starting over again and again. Accepting an emotionally abusive relationship for 5 years. The pain of self inflicted hangovers. I even ask myself, wondering, was I clinging onto this with competing?
I don’t want to mask all of it in suffering. There has been so much joy intertwined in all of those things. So much living. So many lessons. And the beauty of challenges and the growth they provide. What I am ready to release is the part of me that holds back from grace, from just existing, clinging to the idea that it has to be hard.
I took notes from the book I was reading:
You were born to thrive, not just survive. Vibrant health and abundant wealth are your natural state. Grace is our natural state. There is only oneness.
There’s a lot of scary stuff happening in the world right now but there are also really important conversations happening. New awareness. Genuine human kindness. Progress that might not feel like progress - but if you look closely, we are uncovering a lot that was wrong and swept under the rug. Forever an optimist, I believe a deeper healing awaits us. I also believe that I have a place in helping in the world - and I need to release my suffering in order to truly provide it.
I am working on finding more ease with my fitness and nutrition - and want to share that with others as well. My new program - Babe Gains - will give insight into what works and what is a waste of time and money.
I am also dreaming up school programs or community events where I can teach youth to find community and real life fitness and nutrition skills beyond the competitive school programs or underfunded physical education.
I’m planting seeds.
Meanwhile I’m letting go of all of those things that strangled me in my dream, and telling my inner self and my inner child that it is safe to be me. Without suffering. That ease and love is here in abundance if I’m willing to see it.